I’m not sure why I’m always surprised when another year rolls around on the calendar. I am ridiculously obsessed with planning out every moment of my life…not one of my favorite traits, but one I just have to live with…but I still feel like each new year comes way too quickly. Maybe it’s because November through January are such busy months. November is Landon’s birthday and Thanksgiving, then December is Ken’s birthday, work Christmas parties, and Christmas, and then January is the New Year, my birthday, and our anniversary.
I’m so ready for the new year. The past few years have been so tough emotionally. After two and a half years of trying to have another child, I was just about at my breaking point…some might say I was past my breaking point, but I’m giving myself the benefit of the doubt. The first year of trying to conceive wasn’t so bad. We were just getting used to the thought of having another one and really just figured we were doing something wrong. It was a classic case of DENIAL! After that first year, reality set in and my emotional state really went downhill from there. If I had to pretend to be happy for one more person that was pregnant I would have lost it. My fake “oh, that’s amazing..I’m so happy for you” was getting less and less believable. I eventually started being more open about what was going on with us. I felt like…what else do I have to lose?!?! Well, what I didn’t realize was that most people, at no fault of their own, do not understand AT ALL what you’re going through. So that just opened up a whole new bag of…something:
“You’re trying to hard. Just stop trying.” Well that seems like good advice, doesn’t it!
“You’re still so young. There’s still time.” This one was my favorite. I actually heard this at a doctor’s office while going in for a blood test that I needed to get the whole infertility process started. If that bitch didn’t have a needle in my arm I could have beat her!
“You already have one. What do you need another for? Just appreciate the one you have.” Although that wasn’t the worst thing to hear, it made me feel selfish for wanting to have another child. I started feeling like I should just shut up and stop being sad. Eventually I realized that I deserved however many children I wanted.
I can’t blame people for not understanding and I just appreciate the fact that they were there to talk to when I really needed to just get things out…even if some of them made things worse. I guess that was the risk I took by “coming out” about infertility.
Not everything was negative or made things worse. I found out that there are a ton of people that have struggled with or are currently struggling with infertility. Those were the ones to talk to. For the first time in a long time I did not feel alone. For some reason when someone that has been through it says “it’s going to happen for you,” it’s not annoying..it’s almost reassuring. It makes you feel like yelling “HELL YEAH IT IS!”
Landon has been great through all of this. I know it was hard on him to see me crying every single day and seeing me just not myself. I feel a bit guilty because I think I missed out on really being emotionally there for him in the past few years, but hopefully that is all behind us. I think he’s glad to have his mommy back 🙂